Stuff I Wish I could write in my job application and still get hired.
To: Mr Cunthammer at ScungeFuck Cooperate Shitty Business that soul and life sucking but i want to work at because I dont want to be the fuck bag mooching off his parents at 40 because cunts like you wont recognize me as a scientist simply because some fuck knuckle PhD student cant land a research job so takes all the technical roles instead. *ahhhhhh*
*This is my favorite part; HOW THE FUCK CAN I NOT SOUND GENERIC OPENING THIS COVER LETTER*
Standard Opening;
I am writing to you because blah blah blah; OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU KNOW WHY IM WRITING TO YOU, AND THE FACT THAT IT IS FORMALLY NECESSARY THAT I NEED TO STATE WHY WHAT WHEN WERE AND HOW WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE SEE MY CV AND HAVE AN APPLICATION FORM WITH ALL MY INTIMATE DETAILS YOU MIGHT AS WELL FIND OUT HOW BIG MY COCK IS AND HOW MANY TIMES A DAY I FUCKING TOUCH IT. FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUCK
I forward to you an application with the direct interest of applying for the position of technical officer at *enter generic employment office here*. I feel *WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO JUSTIFY WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR YOU, MY APPLICATION SUGGEST INTEREST ALREADY, IS IT TOO HARD FOR YOU FUCKSTICKS TO UNDERSTAND THAT I WOULDN’T APPLY FOR A JOB I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT? SIGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH* that my experience and education positions me at a high standard for the role currently being advertised. This role is something I see myself doing *hggggggggggggggggggn; at this stage i have a vein popping out of my face, throbbing, close to explosion* am passionate about, and feel that my contribution in the past through volunteering roles and university extra credit based units qualify me for this role *OF COUSE THEY DO, AS DOES EVERY OTHER FUCKHAMMER THAT WENT TO UNIVERSITY WITH ME, AND ACROSS THE GOD DAMD COUNTRY, WE KNOW THIS, THEY KNOW THIS, I KNOW THIS, THESE STATEMENTS THAT NEED TO BE MADE ARE REDUNDANT, CANT I JUST SEND YOU A HALF NAKED PHOTO OF ALEC BALDWIN AND USE THAT AS A SEDUCTION METHOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK*
Selection Criteria: How do you outline your skills and knowledge above everyone else; * FUUUCKKK!!! THERE IS AN ESTABLISHMENT THAT ALLOWS US TO LEARN THE SAME SHIT AND GRADUATE, AND GO ON TO LEARN MORE AND GRADUATE FROM THAT, UNTIL WE EVENTUALLY GET TO BE A USELESS DOCTOR (UNLESS YOU ARE AN ACTUALLY DOCTOR) WHERE BY WE ARE JUDGED ON OUR PERFORMANCE OF THE SAME INFORMATION YEAR IN YEAR OUT, I CANNOT WARRANT MY SKILLS TO BE ANY DIFFERENT TO ANY OTHER FUCKSTICK THAT I WENT TO UNIVERSITY WITH, I WANT THIS JOB BECAUSE I FUCKING LIKE THE ADVERTISEMENT YOU PUT UP FOR IT, YOU USED PRETTY RAINBOW WORDS THAT MADE ME HUNGRY AND MY FAT FUCKING ASS WANTS A TASTE OF SWEET PAYCHECK PIE.
You get the point, by the end of this letter; you have basically walked around in a big fucking circle and have verbally stated everything on your cv and application form, unnecessarily repeating yourself to the point that you might as well be a broken fucking record. SO this is my attempt tonight; to write something (not as vial and horribly overplayed as above) and see what difference it really makes. Most other application I have place forth have been rejected (im up to about 20 in the last 5 months) and although i have a part time job as a marine scientist, im hoping for something more permanent. Here’s to using tumblr as a punching bag.
Jor
With a rush of air, and a poof of his couch, Jor land’s on his couch, in his dull grey living room. Stressed and frail, “Made it” he calls out. He plugs his brain into the central network of the global interface and goes through his folders searching for his last recorded program and with a single thought switches it on and relaxes. The program plays in his mind, and he visually experiences it projected into his minds eye. He lets out a short sigh following the thought of panic he had moments before thinking his worm hole would close before he made it through the jump. A commercial plays, as he notices that he missed a bit of his show. The commercial is for a summer vacation trip; most of which are now tapped into your head, rather than experienced in reality. “This is a tough war” he sighs. “We are progressing into the final stages of complete cryogenics for the third time in the past 3 millenia, our resistance wont hold out much longer, we only have 4 army bases left, and not enough bug-free jacks” He thinks. “I can’t believe that even though we exist in level 2 they think they can push us to level 4 without the same happening as one and two” He shakes his head. When our surface selves were put to sleep for this global program, they though we wouldn’t regain conscienceness, but we woke 1000 years later, and because we were all linked in we did what any cluster of humans would do, we built a functioning world, I can believe it was due to long periods of sleep. We create a new reality as a natural function of existence, we were being kept alive, so our entities found a way to be present with out alive state. But cooperations (too many to name) managed to put us to sleep again through the same method used on the surface, they created a product, administered it to the general public, and we were put into a deeper sleep, with the hope that we are kept alive for an undertermind period of time, for what reason no one can be sure.” The thought is interrupted with a warning sound. Warning Warning, you are entering negative space, please control your thoughts. This is your first warning. A police notification appears in Jor’s mind, this isn’t his first.
“We are in the second stage, again our natural conscience created a space for the nature of existence to continue; as we are energy locked in space and time we need to exist if we don’t something somewhere will be destroyed, unbalancing the universe and beyond.” His thoughts continue, and the warning appears again, and this time Jor is shocked from his thoughts. “A tapped jack” he thinks, “I’m not anywhere close to debugged for another jump, fuck! Control you thoughts man, control your thoughts”. The paniced voice in his head silences and he is zen for a moment, and as he slips into almost a rested state, his thoughts start up again. “Many at this stage would unplug in the first level,” he thinks, “they didn’t have full control of us then, but now they do.” he continues, as his favorite show returns to his mind. “ On the surface, when this technology was brought in, we only had to plug in for an hour a day, and pay a subscription fee when money was something of use. Now, they have a biocybernetic virus which filters through our bodies, we can only be disconnected for around about an hour and 20 minutes before we are wiped. Interestingly enough this deep into our own sleep we have abilities not limited by “true reality”. We can run at the speed of light, slow time down (relative to our world) we can bounce and warp through space and time, but we always need to plug ourselves back in with 1 second to spare from our time limit. It’s the second stage of our sleep, and now they are pushing for the third and final. I dont know what’s happening on the surface, what the human race is being used for, but down here, when they push us to the third level of sleep, we will forever remain zombies, unable to think, or move, or process though, we will just be fed live streams of commercials.” Jors thoughts finish, and with that his final moments as a conscience being were lived. Initiation of third stage processing, the criminal Jor 453.5123, you have been punished with the ability to think freely, please enjoy your last moments of stage 2. Jor was no longer.
I worry about failure.
I somehow switched off my creativity; I’ve noticed I’m more devoted to an online game rather than spending my time creating worlds beyond natural comparison. I worry the negative around me; my ever progressing bad eating habit and addiction to junk food, the fact that I’d prefer to waste my afternoons vegging rather than learning, and the fact that my most cherished attribute, my imagination, is causing this self progressive and self forced withering the more I become dedicated to fitting into the slot that is outlined by the rest of a bland pictured puzzle.
I’m losing myself to live in a life that constricts the airways, and I worry. Should I push to make a change and develop into what I want to be, or do I play the safe card and dwindle away into a jaded corner were a great number of others seem to have presence? I feel like I’m essentially losing me. I don’t want to line the walls of my shell; I want to glow warmth and guide the world from within my shell. I want it to go back to being full, but rather it continues to empty unnoticed.
My imagination comforted me when I was at the best of times alone. I use to be able to contort the world naturally with my imagination and not fear the repercussions. I loved the thoughts that spun and wizzed around my head. They made me stand tall and say “This is what fills me, this is who I am.” Now I seem to have lost it for my career, and as I wish to fight for it I fear the failure my career fears for me. The thought of failure in this simplistic and made to seem easy system paints the walls of my now almost dim shell. I worry I paint those walls. I worry I’ll paint those walls and when they dry the reminiscence of a mind that could reshape an entire reality will stare directly into the hollow void it left behind to meet the face of a pale colour who’s only purpose is to avoid worrying about failure and what it means to be a failure.
Just a poem I wrote
You have clipped my future
I am not able to spread my wings full
Parts are missing
Parts are missing
I’m missing my wing
there goes my freedom
I flap and squawk because I have a voice
and the wings but no flight
I am flightless
I am Flightless
You cannot see
I cannot fly
I cannot fly with these
I am caged, heavy is this life of concealment
I do not have the right,
and that which I am not
that which I am not I have to be
And that which I am not I will be
I see it pleases
to stay in this cage
empty, flightless, and not me.
1 in 5 bunnies is born with a pancake head, reblog if you care.
You are one heartless person if you don’t.
:’( I SAW A PICTURE OF A NORMAL BUNNY AND IT HAD MORE NOTES…THIS IS A SICK FUCKING WORLD. I HATE SOCIETY.
IT’S OKAY BUNNY, I ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE.
IT IS SO SICK THAT PEOPLE DON’T EVEN CARE THAT THIS BUNNY HAS A PANCAKE ON IT’S HEAD. IF YOU DON’T REBLOG THIS, YOU ARE ONE HEARTLESS MOTHERFUCKER
im tearing up :’(
Don’t just scroll past
most people wont reblog because they think it’ll make their blog ugly. you are all sick people.
THIS WON’T MAKE YOUR BLOG LOOK UGLY
Society killed the rabbit.
You are beautiful!! even with that pancake on your head! Don’t let anyone ever tell you different! be strong bbg xo
I BLAME SOCIETY.
THERES NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT A PANCAKE-HEAD BUNNY <3 ;(
THIS IS HORRIBLE. POOR BUNNY. I FEEL FOR YOU DARLING <333
Stay strong bby. Life is too short to be miserable, and you’re beautiful.
head up bunny, you will be ok <333
GUYS. HOW CAN YOU JUST SCROLL PAST. THIS POOR BUNNY NEEDS OUR HELP. REBLOG TO GET THE WORD OUT.
LMFAO. I had to.
SCREAAAMINNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
HEARTLESS MOTHERFUCKER omg dying
#DEAD
I am willing to stand up and say I CARE
scrolled past, didnt care. Suffer bunny. Suffer.
(Source: pinkrupees)




